ASK KIKI – My Partner Is a Compulsive Liar, What Do I Do?

AskKiki - Compulsive Liar

Dear Miss Lie-Detector

Firstly, I would like to give you a huge digital high 5, for spotting your partner’s lies and turning to me for help. Here you go:

High five

Now let’s get down to business. By calling your partner a compulsive liar, it is evident that you’ve heard a series of lies before and know them from a mile away!

Here’s the thing about lying: It is an addiction! Just as much as chocolates and alcohol and smoking. However, it is not the lie itself that they are addicted to, rather the feeling of accomplishment when getting away with it.

Never let them get away with it

Before you go all kamikaze mosquito and gear up for attack, let me explain.

If someone tells a lie and YOU KNOW it is not true, do not brush it off or ignore it.  It will be confirmed to the liar that they got away with it, and this will feed their addiction and let them fire away on all 4 pistons.

The lies will become bigger and more unrealistic. As a matter of fact, they will start to believe their own lies to such an extent that they lose track of reality.

So point out the lie, in a mature, decent and classy way. You can say:

I am certain that this story is not the same as the last time you told it.

I would have believed you, but… (and give concrete evidence).

You should try telling that story again, but this time the real version.

Do other people make you feel insecure because around them it seems like your reality is not juicy enough and you have to transform into someone you are not?

When repeating a story to a friend, many people will add some juice to the initial storyline to draw some attention and most of the time, we let it slip away, just like we laughed off the first few beers of someone who later on became an alcoholic.

We should never miss out on the early signs of demolition, it will tumble us later like a bulldozer!

Why do people lie?

> Get attention

> Keep a secret

> Present themselves in a positive light, hero or victim

> Avoid harm

How do you handle a liar?

Don’t lose your temper. As frustrating as it may be, you need to keep your cool.  but stay firm while you confront them. It’s easy to forget reality when we love someone, to get our hopes up and to give the person the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, in a situation like this one, you have to be on guard.

Expect denial. At first, the liar will fight back and have the tendency to lie again.  They will accuse and become enraged. Don’t repeat their behavior back to them.  You are not a mirror of their behavior, you should be the window to show a better future.

Keep Record. This might not be the most exciting thing to do, but keeping a record will help you to remember and it will give your partner the responsibility to avoid lies. This is not the life anyone deserves, you should really weigh your options when staying in a relationship like this that is pure hard work.

Offer a solution before you point out the lie. When you spot a lie the size of a dump truck, it’s not wise to be all: “You lying waste of breath”. Don’t just jump right in the deep end and throw accusations. Rather start with questions like, “Honey, did you go to John’s house?” And then you hit the bullseye and say, “He phoned me to ask where you were, why did you lie?”

Disrupt the lie. This is like a Pavlov Theory, every time they tell a lie, they get roasted. This will guide them in a routine where negative behavior does not get rewarded. This will take time and all the patience you have.

I am going to repeat this to you. Sharing your life with a compulsive liar is a full-time job. And if you want to apply for this job, be prepared to have no leave, overload family responsibility and an ungrateful employer with no pay. If you are ready to take on such a job, you are stronger than most of humanity.

Good luck and stay patient.



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Kiki Smit
Kiki Smit

Real Life Editor

Kiki Smit is an energetic bundle of humor and passion. The moment you meet her, you instantly feel like she's your best friend. She is an internationally qualified Relationship Life-Coach and Family Law Mediator. She tackles the whole shebang when it comes to couples. Although she is not a promoter of divorce, sometimes it is inevitable. Therefore as a family law mediator she handles divorce procedures to settle your divorce, maintenance and parenting plan agreements in a legally binding decree.

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